gone...like really, gone

where have i been?  well, you asked.

it's been one of those "seasons" in life here lately.  i'm bogged down with so many "to do's" and kiddos and softball and photography and working out and friends getting sick and life's struggles...you must know what i'm talking about.  surely i'm not the only one.

i look back at the end of the day and i see a flurry of activity...i see my kids fed, my smiling husband, my messy house, the unwashed laundry and the dishes stacked to the ceiling in the sink and i think, "what did i accomplish?".  i mean, i did something today, right?!

i have this thing that constantly gets in the way...it's called ME.  and sometimes i even refer to it as MY LIFE.  it plain gets in the way of what's real.  what's important.  what's good.

i get overwhelmed with the always low balance of the checking account.  i get ticked off that my friend out of nowhere has a 8 1/2 hour surgery for cancer and she has a 3 and 1 year old that just have no idea and a husband who is trying to take it all in and on. i see myself and think, where am i going wrong.

i know this is kinda a brain dump, but i just was thinking {and i do mean "JUST" was thinking}, i can not be the only one.  i mean, my life is pretty good.  i want water...i go the sink.  i need bread...i go to the store.  my kids get sick...i go to the doctor.

so why is it that life just gets in the way? i think it's because we forget what's first.  what's most important...i mean, this whole "doing it on your own" crap the world feeds us is, well...crap!  we aren't meant to do this alone.

i love jesus...i mean, i serve him in so many ways.  i teach a girls bible study, i lead a college small group, i preach to junior high and high school kids at church, i am a leader of student impact and i make a difference.  i know that.  i spread the love and the gospel of jesus christ.

but ME gets in the way.  why?  well, because when i don't continuously seek HIM first and HIS kingdom, it just doesn't work out.  i mean, the bible tells me that clearly in matthew 6.  its says this...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 

{wait for it...because here it comes baby}

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

matthew 6:25-34.

so, i guess i'm dumping a little here to remind myself that in all that i do...there's really only one thing that really matters.  i can be a great mom.  i can cook great meals.  i can lead my children.  i can teach God's word.  i can be a humble wife.  i can be a valued friend.

but none of it matters if if i don't seek HIS kingdom {not mine} and HIS righteousness FIRST {not even second or as an afterthought}.  first.  because when i don't, i make me my faith.  i make me my religion.  i make me my idol.  and well, that's no stinking good at all.

so i'm off to not worry about tomorrow and seek...seek...seek.

and that's where i've been.  gone.  like, really gone.  aren't you glad you asked?